Monday, February 24, 2014

Heavy heart

Can I be honest?  I've been struggling for more than a yr. with this, and it's not like I didn't know this was coming, and there are days that I feel so very guilty about feeling inadequate about dealing with this.  This is a first for our family. It seems like there is someone you know that is going through it, but then it happens and suddenly, it happening to you and it's personal. Seems like whatever you are going through, it is now your crisis, your life, your stress, and your time to learn about new  unfamiliar and experiences.  Suddenly, it consumes you - learning, living, loving, losing.

Our family has been through a few events that have challenged us, our faith, and pushed the boundaries.  I'll not make excuses, this rises to the top of those, unequal and equal, strangely in it's own way with the physical and mental tension/strain daily. I'm not sure how cancer, stroke, sudden death, miscarriage, unfaithfulness, losing a parent, moving, or winning the lottery effect the dynamics of a family.  We just know what we've experienced.  Sometimes I feel it consumes us and it scares me.  There are days that I want to have things "normal" - normal marriage, kids, faith, stress, friendships, jobs, evenings, meals... Honey and I would love to go on a date where it's not the whole focus of our conversations or the purpose we are getting out of the house.  Comfortable.  Comfortable doesn't stretch or help us grow, learn, or have the chance to change who we are or how we feel. It makes me uncomfortable with what I see in myself.  It reminds me at times of a childhood experience where I almost drowned - clawing to find my way to the surface, fighting, gasping...  Other times, it reminds me of the joy of watching a young child discover new things and experiences. 

Our family has experienced grace, love, beautiful encouragement and support in many forms.  Thankfully, it takes more than blood to make a family - and we have been surrounded by such a family,  and sometimes God places those we are blood related to, so closely in our lives that are are more like a sibling that have worked beside us in this. God constantly is there.  We know He has never left us and never will.  He knew about this far before we ever were and He knows... He knows when I'm angry, sad, totally overwhelmed, had a good day or felt like I've done battle all day.  He knows when I feel like I can do this or I just want to run away and it's only 9 a.m. and no amount of McDonald's sweet tea will help.  It's what I crave when I feel like detaching and things are out of control. 

I'm really sad about the effect it has on our family dynamics and that our kids are experiencing this first hand. I know this is only a season and we will survive, with much support and love.  Many are praying and ask what they can do, and we honestly don't know.  We are learning as we go.  Wisdom, direction, peace, unity, love, grace, strength, focus, humor...

God, thank you for going before us. Surprise us, and help us to look daily for You.  We can't do this alone

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Once upon a snowy day

 Their pudgy noses pressed against the front door.  For once Oldest and Only were not in time out, but desperately searching for a sign.  Silently they waited in their fleece footie jammies, little hands against the glass feeling the cold outside world, leaving fingerprints low on the glass.  Their breath fogging up their view as the sun peaked over the treetops, a silhouetting orange glow framed their silent limbs.  

"Mommy!  I see it!" they called anxiously beckoning me to them.  Joining them, I peered into the morning light, searching with them for what they imagined.

There, floating lazily down to touch the yard's cold, barren cover, was a lone snowflake, giving hope and laughter to two small kids.  Their lips turned upward as the corners of their eyes wrinkled, their smiles reaching their sparkling eyes while their hands wiped at the foggy glass.

"Sissy!  Did you see it?"
"Bubba, I see it!  Can we go out?"
" Oh!  There's another one and another!" 

By now their little feet are dancing and hands clapping in anticipation, questioning faces looking up at me.

That was so long ago, but so freshly pressed in my mind as I watched the sweet wonder of The Girls fairly dancing at the door watching snowflake after snowflake joining together to form a beautiful white carpet on our yard.  While my the fingerprints of my own children are no longer low on the glass, I now leave new little finger prints on the glass as a reminder of the innocent joy they express at that first sign of snow.
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Monday, December 9, 2013

Failing daily, but longing to ...

 My biggest struggle is letting God handle things. I mean, He IS better at handling things than I could ever imagine. I'd love to say that I celebrate God all day, or that I'm authentic and gracious. Truthfully, I fail daily.  When Satan starts jabbing at us,
  •  the aches of my fibromyalgia make is difficult to move
  • our son's transmission goes out
  •  we learn about living with Alzheimers
  • circumstances come up and life gets really hectic and I can't see around that corner,
 I feel myself constantly reminded by Him, that He is there.  What I long for is to rejoice, showing an outward sign of what is going on inside me, instead my inner attitude mostly reflects what my circumstances are. Instead of saying, like I usually do, "Oh, it could always be worse", let me say God, you know best, and let your spirit calm me.  Let me be filled with Your love and be joyful.  Don't let my circumstances reflect a "sour" Christian, but let me show joy and celebration, and let me show my appreciation and joy that You truly love me and gave me such a priceless gift. Let me come and adore You as I truly should.  
Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow, blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name when I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness, blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name when the sun is shining down on me
When the worlds "all that it should be", blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering, blessed be Your name

You give and take away, You give and take away
My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name

      “Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
                                                                      (I Thessalonians 5:18)

" Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!
Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near.
        Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
       And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:4-7 (NASB)

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

So please bear with me as I am growing, learning, and giving it up...  I'm not really good at this

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Let's get crackin'

 I really love cooking with the girls
their enthusiasm is a bit overwhelming
Cracking egg to put them in the cup.
their literal way of interpreting any type of instructions given.  One never knows what the outcome will really be, but lots of laughter was heard that day! 

Ewwww, followed by giggles
Telling Miss C that we were going to crack the eggs and put them in the cup was the wrong thing to do before turning my back on her.  Before I knew it, she tapped her egg hard on the counter, and it was dripping down her hand, until I shoved the cup under it. So there we had our egg in the cup - shell  and all.  :~) 
Stirring, smiling, and making a huge mess!
Oh can't you just hear the caption in your mind?

Let's face it, making muffins ishard work, so we must taste test,


and one last time...

One last time.....

oh, I'm sure I "missed" this spot as well

Um, didn't you say I could lick the spoon?

Well, all that muffin making is EXHAUSTING, so what's a girl to do?  Why eat vanilla wafers dipped in milk. 

While the blueberry muffins were a huge success and smell delicious, the most fun made was cooking with this sweet girl. That is absolutely my favorite thing about cooking with the girls. Making messes and memories and giggles .

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

The Yahtzee game

"Come on, let's play Yahtzee"

"But I don't know how," she said with an uncertain and reluctant look on her face.

"It's okay, we'll teach you," I replied as I took her soft hand and lead her to the table where Honey was sitting. "See, here are the dice and we're going to each take one to see who goes first.  Wow, you rolled a five, Honey got a two, and I got a six.  I'll go first and we'll show you what to do."  and our game began slowly as we waited for the others to arrive. She look around, as if trying to find a reason not to play.  Her sister came in the door and watched. 

"Wow! You rolled FIVE 5's!!!  Why don't you roll again to see if you get a Yahtzee?" we encouraged her. She picked up the last dice and let it gently roll out of her hand...  "Wahooo!!!  Look at that!  Another five!  You got a Yahtzee on your first turn"  we cheered!

"But I don't know what to do. What do you do with these things and what is this paper for?"

 "Well, let's count these the dots on the dice and write them down. Each one of these are worth 5.  Can you count by fives with me? I asked.  "Five, ten...."  I finished counting for her and prompted her to write down her Yahtzee score (the counting by fives had nothing to do with her score, but seemed to help).

People started arriving and she looked relieved.  She didn't know who they all were, but it was the interruption she was wanting. She looked at us, as if to ask for permission. We started to pack up the game as Honey commented "This sure is a great time to stop since you're winning!  Let's go see who is here."

This last weekend, Honey and I traveled to a small family reunion for my side of the family and the conversation involved Honey, myself, and my Momma, who so patiently taught me to play Yahtzee growing up. I miss my Momma.

Saturday, August 31, 2013


There once was a little girl
there was a little boy
whose parents prayed for them

The realization 
The question
The "Yes"

The affirmation

The Kiss

The ring

They said "Yes!"